Five ways to combat office stress, an ongoing blog . . .

The events described here actually took place. The names and places have all been changed to protect the guilty.
I had the misfortune of being the only creative soul stuck in an office full of left-brained business types. I am so creative that my head always tilts to the right. My bosses are button-up, no-nonsense navy pinstripes types. In their defense, they are truly important people doing exceptional work for the greater good of all. In my defense, I was born to make the world a more colorful, fun place.
How I had wandered into this foreign world, I know not. What was a hippie chick dressed paisley doing in a world of suits and power ties? But, the money was good, the health insurance fantastic, so I was stuck in a golden birdcage.
Creative, dreamy artist meets the serious-minded real world. Do you see the dilemma brewing? Two worlds were about to collide, and I was the sole person on my side of the tug-of-war rope. I am small, but scrappy, but I knew I’d certainly lose in a fair fight. Well, if sheer strength couldn’t take them, perhaps I could use my God-given gifts in a backhanded, crafty way. I realized it was up to me to do something to cut the boredom and stress in this beige-on-beige environment. Let’s make lemonade out of these sour pusses. I could be a Super Stress-buster, Diva of Delight, Queen of all things Fun. I made the decision then and there to become the office’s Self-Appointed Morale Officer. Hey, that sounds great. Maybe I should make business cards. . .

Five ways to combat office stress_#1

“1, 2, 3,4... I declare a Frog War!” The stress and tension in out little cubicle farm was getting thick and deep as heavy fog. The four of us coworkers crowded into our closeted niche had grown close, thrown together by fate, bonded by the mutual brotherhood of being the lowest lifeforms on the office totem pole. Something must be done to disperse the cloud of doom hovering above our heads. So, I purchased a gross of stretchable rubber frogs at Oriental Trading company (oriental trading.com - they’re the best!). The frogs were long and thin. The back legs, and the forearms were molded into loops, like a rubber band. I had big plans for these little green meanies! I supplied each of the poor, unfortunate souls who shared my cube farm, with a dozen frogs each. We shot them like rubber bands at each other. The frogs arced gracefully across the room to ricochet off computer screens. Frogs We were frog warlords, and we strategized on elaborate trajectories to circumvent cubicle walls. I was successful in my quest to bring sunlight to melt the clouds, to lift the dark clouds of doom. Nothing like a frog to the back of the head to break the tension. I targeted my coworkers butts as they walked by. We were delighted to find that if we shot them straight up into the air they would stick to ceiling. There was a whole colony of upside-down frogs breeding up there. We yelled “incoming!” and ambushed the big boss and shot him with a barrage of frog artillery. Being ex-military he appreciated the realism of our pre-panned attack, but told us we would have to scrape the frogs off the ceiling. To this day the frogs are still there, an homage to oppressed workers everywhere.
Frog Wars was truly the most fun I’ve had in years. Try it. I highly recommend it. To this day my old coworkers and I send each other emails with jpgs of frogs. “Incoming!!!”

Five way to combat office stress_#2

The old brain-in-the jar trick.
Oh, the days of unending boredom at the office. Day in day out. The same old thing. A-ha! I know what I’m gonna do today! I searched the Web for just the images I wanted. Then I printed out several pages of photographs onto 8 x 11” paper. A rubber ducky, a lobster, and brain, and other odd things that will swim or float when put in water. While I was dreaming up this devious, deceitful and delicious plan, I snickered and giggled, and even burst out laughing at times. My coworkers thought I had gone mad, mad in a good way, in a genius mad scientist way.
On Day One, or what I liked to call “day of the living ducks,” I taped the photo of the rubber duck to the back side of the water cooler. The effect I wanted was of a duck bobbing in a bathtub. It worked. When people filled a cup of water from the cooler, the bubbles made the illusion complete. Rubber ducky you’re the one, you make bathtime so much fun...
Next week, a bright red, life-sized lobster swam in the cool waters of Deer Park. With the realistic bubbling effect, it looked like it was simmering away in a stew pot, tonight’s dinner to be served with drawn butter.
Next week a brain floated in the water tank, a la Frankenstein. The water magnified the brain, and created a lovely 3-D effect. The bubbles made this production sheer perfection. I had succeeded in creating a prop for a realistic mad scientist’s lair. The old brain-in-a-jar trick. Let’s see who falls for it.
My hypothesis was that the senior staff would do a doubletake and look around angrily for the culprit. I hovered around the cooler for days, a half-smile on my face, just waiting for my first victim. I waited in vain. Sadly, I was incorrect in my assumptions. Preoccupied with the fate of the tax-paying world, the senior staff tragically did not even notice what was right before their eyes. A brain in a jar.

Five ways to combat office stress_#3

I have my googly eye on you. I purchased several pairs of googly eyeglasses from Oriental Trading company (oriental trading.com). Can you tell I love this store? These glasses have huge eyeballs attached to slinky-like boingy wires. The eyeballs bounce up and down delightfully. My friends and I would don these glasses and go for casual strolls around the office. For extra fun we’d pop our heads around the corner of a coworker’s door and stare at them until they looked up. Some screamed, some laughed, but none gave us the evil eye. Success! I had broken through their dual defenses of seriousness and humorlessness with my twin weapons of irreverence and surprise. One stated, dazed, “Blimey, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!”
Score one for ME! Googly eyeglasses: $12 for one dozen. The look on your coworkers’ faces: priceless. Your level of satisfaction and amusement: equally priceless!

Five ways to combat office stress_#4

Peep-a-licious!
If you don’t know what a Peep is, you are probably a devout health nut. These little marshmallow sugar treats used to come out just at Easter. Stuff a marshmallow into a mold shaped like a baby chick, cover it in yellow granulated yellow sugar and Viola! - a peep is born. They come in packets of 12 sugar-licious peeps. Later the Peep company branched out and now they have a seasonal selection of Halloween pumpkin peeps, red and green holiday peeps. Well, you get the picture.
While I was supposed to be hard at work. I search the Web for more tantalizing information about these habit-forming delicacies. My coworker swears stale peeps are the best. I prefer mine fresh. I read about contests where people make peep dioramas, creating miniature scenes from movies, literature, or out of the imagination. The dioramas, built in shoe boxes, use peeps as people, doll house furniture, and anything else handy. One year the winner had created a spot-on replica of a NYC diner with patrons, waiters, and miniature bar stools. Truly breathtaking! Second place was a scale model of King Arthur’s Court featuring Peeps of the Round Table. Other runners’ up included “Peeps Galore,” a pole-dancing peep in a miniature night club. ‘Nuff said. For hours of sugary fun, try build your own peep diorama. Look it up online for inspiration. And no, I am not making this stuff up!
For my attempt at creating peep world “Office Space” - style, I just had to look around me for inspiration. I meticulously handcrafted peep workers wearing shoelace neckties, peep-sized cubicles made from cutup cardboard boxes. I created tiny furniture. Tin foil covered erasers served as computer screens. A big peep boss walked by with a sticky note, like a cartoon bubble, attached to his head. It read “Get back to work!”

Five ways to combat office stress_#5

Peep Jousting!
You should read my previous blog, “Peep-a-licious” as a prerequisite to truly understand the deep meaning and poignancy of today’s blog. On this auspicious day, as self-appointed morale officer for the office, I declared Monday Peep Jousting Day. (Jousting is a medieval sport where two knights in full battle armor mount horses, hold ridiculously long lances, gallop towards each other at full speed and try to knock the other on his ass. Stupid, yes, but endlessly amusing to watch.) No knights or horses in this contest. Just gooey marshmallow goodness.
As team captain, I divided my coworkers into teams. Each coworker received one peep and a toothpick. Where is this going, you might ask? To the office kitchen, of course. I moved aside the mound of dirty, moldy coffee cups, stale pastries, and laid down the ground rules.
“Each of you has been given a mission. To dominate WWPJ, the Wide World of Peep Jousting. Please pick your favorite celebrity, living or dead. You will name your peep after said celebrity.”
The first two combatants put their peeps on a small paper plate, stuck the toothpicks partially into their peeps, and put them into the microwave.
“Let the jousting tournament commence!” I set the microwave for 1 minute, not knowing how long it actually takes for a peep to explode. Would it blow up the microwave? Who cares; it’s office property. I had set up the contest in heats. The first round we decimated David Letterman Peep. The second creamed Chris Rock Peep, and the third mashed Mike Myers Peep. Soon it was time for the final heat to determine the grand champion. On one side of the microwave, Paris Hilton Peep. On the other, defending champion Evander Holyfield Peep. I dropped the flag (started the microwave). The peeps immediately started to blow up like balloons as their gooey marshmallow centers expanded. Toothpicks rose up like lances into battle position, moving closer, closer . . . The tension in the room was palpable. Sweat trickled from my brow. Money exchanged hands in the back of the room. Paris Hilton’s toothpick lance rose like a flag, inched forward... and sank deep into Evander! The resulting explosion blew peep innards all over the microwave. (Somebody’s gonna have to clean that up!) Spontaneous cheers arose from all around the room. Victory was sweet - literally! The winner received ... a package of peeps.

The day the Stress-o-Meter exploded

The day the Stress-o-Meter exploded
At my stressful job, I finally got to the point of not caring. My attitude was, “If you have an issue, take a tissue!” There was a large tissue box conspicuously placed on the edge of my desk. A large sign near the door read “There will be a $10 charge for whining. My fees have gone up.”
The last straw was when I worked a 12-hour day. Not so irregular in my line of work. But, that day I was not feeling so well. Cursed with back problems for many years, I have downed more than my daily RDA of Motrin, Tylenol, and Asprin. My chiropractor was on speed dial. My back ached and I longed to curl up at my desk and put my feet up to alleviate the stress on my back. Of course, the big boss wanted everything NOW. No time for the luxury of sitting down. Oh, did I mention that I was extremely pregnant with my first child? I did not realize at first that I was in labor. Labor pains were supposed to be in front -- in the stomach area. My stomach felt fine; it was by back that was killing me. Later I learned that some women have back labor. Never heard of it! I finished my tasks for the day at 8 pm, now fully realizing I was about to have a baby. I was not a such a dedicated employee that I as willing to give birth at my desk. I went home. The next morning I said hello to my beautiful baby girl. What a change in perspective! She was the single most important thing in my life! Can I stay on maternity leave forever?